Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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