my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
Randomize
