Just fell off a train. Bad.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
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