So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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