my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
Randomize
