Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
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