It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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