Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
