making cat noises will not fix the situation.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
