I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
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