Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Randomize
