Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Randomize
