went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
