people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
