At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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