His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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