The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
You can't just leave with hair like that
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
How does it feel to date your dad?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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