apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
