We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Randomize
