my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
