there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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