I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
You smell like stripper and shame
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
