apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
