for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
