apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
