i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
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