where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
