I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You've changed since you got that strap on
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
