FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
