I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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