i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize