tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
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