Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
