I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
