I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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