He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
