Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
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