i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Randomize
