I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Randomize
