I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
