So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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