3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
