there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
Randomize
