theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
