Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
