Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
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