She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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