Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
we should paint friendship bongs
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