I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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