yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Randomize
