You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
