Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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