My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
