I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
