More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize