I faked an abortion last night.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
