he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
