you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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