I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
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