The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
