can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
