I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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