Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
