Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I think one make out session at a bar per year is probably the best choice.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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